its 5:51am now

cant sleep. believe me ive tried. gave up already. i feel so bad. its like a kind of depression when you jus dont feel anymore? i cant even cry, i need to cry so much, ive TRIED crying SO HARD, BUT I JUST CANT! its so frustrating! like really.

i dont know whats wrong with me. i wished it would just stop. it happened so suddenly. they happen suddenly, the bad stuff to me, and then they never leave. on october, beginings, i was all fine like a pick, and then, BAM! gemder isues. it happemed like that, one week im a girl since forever duh, next im bnot so sure anymore. then i stabled. i wasnt bad, the problem isnt solved, but its handled, its not as bad as it used to. then i went to la angostura and i had SUCH A GREAT TIME!!! really, it was awesome. then i came back, back to bubu’s house, not so great but im used. guess i got really depressed coming from so happy to back to this place all of a sudden. the second night back i was just depresso mood without a reason. then the drawings started. i gotvery inspired by an artist i recently discovered on insta, cupspoodles,and just fell in love with her art and style and aestheric for a while, im still there, its kindof an obsession, but so it inspired me. and as i had been coloring dinosaurs books on la angostura and really enjoyed it, i was in a markers mood. so i took the only markers i had here, from my school art box (that was still here for a reason), some thick giotto i think, and started doodling whatever, kinda in spoon’s style or spoon inspired. and it just didnt stop. it kept going. and kept, and kept and kept. even when i ran out of stuff to draw, i just had the inspiration. i call it vent art. im proud of it and want to show them to people, but its kinda dark and i dont want them to be like yo, you ok kid? the answer’s no but they cant know that. we moved back home today. or our stuff did. we were suposed to sleep there tonight but oh, chaange of plans. im hungry. my stomach is gurgling, its annoying, SHUT UP. im scared of going backhme tho. it doesnt feel like home anymore. like, the kitchen is all pretty and shit but it looks taken out of pinterest, from where it was inspired from.its like a kitchen that its pretty and you say «oh yeah, this kitchen is very pretty», but its not MY kitchen. its not where i live, iwhere im gonna go at 3am for a night snack, ijust cant see myself baking an exquisita there, its. not. mine.

i dont know how else to put it. i literally cant walk arround there any more. i cant even go to my room cause its stuffed w/boxes. plus they changed everything. they DID. thefloor all the way up the stairs is new, grey wood. and their walls are white. the dinning room is not fucsia anymore. the chimney wall isGRAY. they haddent even told me that before i saw it with my bare eyes. and i just cant stand people just wandering and saying just oh how pretty it is and happy and jealous they are of us when im here suffering and when i tell my suffering they dismising me and shking me of like oh no, how can you say that, our hows will be far much better now, you shoulnt complain. well, you know, you can just fUCK OFF OKAY??! I DIDNT FREAKING ASK FOR YOUR OPINION, IM TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS AND I FEEL BAD SO IM SHOWING YOU MY DISCOMFORT AND HOW MISERABLE I FEEL IN THIS SITUATION. I did not come her e looking for you to talk me out of it. omgthank you so much, now that youve told this is for the better and that i shouldnt complain and be happy with this situation, i can finally do it and now the obra seems like an awesome idea and i just love howthe kitchen looks. thank you so much for your fucking help. im so done with them, and if you planned to do the same YOU CAN LEAVE THE FUCK NO OR SHUT YOUR QUIZNACK .

its 6:33am now and im out

That’s funny, it’s 5:35 rn. That’s not funny.